There’s been a lot of talk on the TL as of late around what is and isn’t sexual assault. The whole TL discussion makes me feel slightly torn because on the one hand I don’t believe that such a topic can be properly discussed within 240 characters. But on the other hand, I feel like these discussions need to be had.
I feel like out of all the types of abuses there are out there in the world, sexual is the worst. There’s a reason why it says in the bible “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23). For as much as the world today separates sex from love and emotion, I know that, at least for myself, the two are connected. For myself, sex is the closest you can be to another human being physically, and because of that, it affects one’s emotional state. This is especially true of people who are creative or talented as their emotions and mental state often have a strong link to their ‘being’, who they are as a person, and what they create.
I was (am) incredibly anxious about this post because vulnerability is always uncomfortable. But also because I am admitting to myself mistakes I have made and which I had allowed to happen simply because I thought it was normal. I did not know that what was happening to me at the time was not ok because amongst my group of friends (including guys) this was the norm. It was just a part of dating. A part of becoming sexually actively and shifting into ‘adult’ life. But this is simply and wholly not true. Just because something is the norm doesn’t mean it’s ok. I feel like Azryah summarised this best in one of her most recent tweets:
So I’m going to layout different situations you may find/have found yourself in to explain what is and is not ok. And why we as a society ultimately need to raise our children differently. The notion that girl’s need to cover themselves, be more conservative and reserved in their approach does nothing except limit their voice when it comes to their body and amplify the curiosity of the female body to the opposite sex. It is on us to teach boys how to respect women’s bodies, choices and voices, and it is on us to teach girls to take pride in their exteriors, so that they have the confidence to voice their boundaries and know when they are being disrespected.
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The ‘just the tip?’:
I was raised in a Christian household which valued no sex before marriage. I had no qualms with this, and in my later teen/early twenties life I adopted this as my own. I personally didn’t want to have sex because I know that I’m an emotional person and didn’t want to attach myself to anyone in that way knowing this about myself.
When I started seeing a guy towards the end of my undergrad degree I had told him straight up that I’m not interested in sex I made it explicit that this is a choice I had decided for myself and he repeatedly told me that this was not an issue for him, so we continued to see each other. But as you probably assumed from the title of this bullet point, while in bed together the words “just the tip?” Became a frequent discussion point. The pressure became immense for me because by this point I really liked him. But penetration is penetration at the end of the day. Half, a quarter, 1/9 is still just that.
If boundaries are made clear then they shouldn’t be disrespected, even by questions being brought up in a setting which is difficult to say ‘no’ in. And then repeatedly brought up on a regular basis, which leads me onto my next point…
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The ‘wearing down’:
Maybe a lot of guys don’t realise that they’re pressuring girls into sexual activities because they view it as trying to attain anything else that they want in life. Maybe. But the underlying point is that so often female’s voices aren’t really heard. They’re spoken, but they’re not taken seriously or given the same respect as your Mum saying “wash up the dishes”.
But as soon as body language which is closed off is displayed, or you hear the words “no” or “don’t” or “can’t” coming out of your mouth, the guy should pause to see if you’re on board with what’s happening, and then not repeatedly pursue over several occasions when you’ve made your standard for your body clear. This includes text messages, memes, dick pics, face to face interaction, phone calls etc of a sexually pursuing nature/ explains why you should/ asking ‘why not?’/ describing you as a tease (or worse)/ acting as though what you have decided for yourself is hurting them after you’ve made your views clear.
The discussion of clarity shouldn’t be a discussion as soon as you’ve said what is and isn’t ok. Saying ‘no’ multiple times and then ‘yes’ once does not equate to a ‘yes’ overall as that ‘yes’ has been coerced.
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The ‘guy in the club’:
Clubbing is an activity I don’t enjoy anymore for several reasons, but one of the main ones being some guys’ behaviour in that setting. It’s as though they feel entitled to pull a girl towards them, touch her hair, or straight up grope her while dancing because of the setting and the clothes she may be wearing, as though it’s an invitation for people to touch her body. Or that buying a drink entitles them to your body, time and attention for the night.
But while on the topic of turning up, we should also discuss sexual engagement while being intoxicated. This includes being drunk or high on something. If you’re too far gone to state your choices over your body, the other person should not engage. Girls, if your vision keeps spinning in small, quick half circles no matter where you direct your vision, know that you should not be alone. The state of one’s sobriety or environment does not depict an automatic ‘yes’.
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The ‘cornering in’:
This is one of the most dangerous situations for girls, especially those that may be introverted or shy. It also comes across as the most predatory in that it often seems premeditated.
This is when a guy gets a girl in a room where they are the only two there. So whatever happens, it’s your word against his. This is also when persuasion or force can be implemented in privacy.
There was a time when I was out on a first date with a guy. He seemed nice but got increasingly ‘touchy’ throughout the evening. Next thing I knew we were in a bathroom before seeing a movie at the cinema. I felt uncomfortable when he asked me to come with him but I didn’t want to seem awkward. I thought it was just ‘making out’ but things escalated. I was shocked and confused afterwards, trying to remember what exactly I had said and why I didn’t scream. I did remember saying ‘no’ and shaking my head repeatedly. The whole thing lasted a matter of seconds before I pushed him off of me, and he apologised afterwards stating in a jokey way “this will be a great story for our grandchildren”
It doesn’t matter how loudly you said it or how frequently you said it. A guy can usually tell just from body language alone when you do or don’t want his advances (unless you are deliberately being confusing – but such matters are subjective and for an entirely different post).
The fact that these situations are viewed as the ‘norm’ shows that there is a fundamental need for change in the way we raise children. I hate the saying “What if it was your sister or mother” when girls speak to guys about respecting a woman’s body because a person should not have to think about a family member in order to understand such issues.
Men – I don’t believe in action without consequence when it comes to social interactions because we are social beings. Expressing and enacting sentiments/force toward someone is not the end of that sentiment/force’s travels. Whether expressed immediately or bottled up for a later time, that sentiment will come out and affect others around them (whether in a fit of rage, a period of depression, or even hatred towards their own male family members and potential children). We are emotional beings, bred on empathy (which is why when someone yawns, others are likely to yawn also). So in respecting other’s bodies and hearts, we are respecting the bodies and hearts of those that come into contact with that female, which returns to you.
Women – I am sure that there are many situations which I have missed out (feel free to comment or DM me), but understanding these situations validates your feelings in knowing that what did/is happening is not ok. You aren’t being over sensitive, it’s not guilt due to religious beliefs/upbringing, it’s not that you should have been more aggressive/forth-front in your approach. It’s your body and your decision, you should not have to shout and scream for another human being to respect it. Consent is a voluntary, sober, enthusiastic, informed, mutual, honest and verbal agreement.
@CillaHope_
TheMoveHub.com
Rape Crisis: 0808 802 9999
Victim support: 0808 168 9111
The survivors trust: 0808 801 0818
Photo – https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/one-year-of-metoo
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